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James Harrison introduces himself to a Browns' fan who ran onto the field.
James Harrison introduces himself to a Browns’ fan who ran onto the field a few years ago.

Browns vs. Steelers

2015 NFL Week 10:

“It Don’t Come Easy”

Poet-Philosopher Ringo Starr said it best (not Pete Best): It don’t come easy, you know it don’t come easy…

Unless you’re a Millennial. Don’t get me started. I can get started all by myself! This “Least-Great Generation”™ has it very easy. Millions of them live at home in converted garages, basements or in their old comfy bedrooms playing Call of Duty: Selfies from the Front with their equally unambitious friends or Jorge in Peru.

When motivated, they take a few courses at the local community college, study once in a while for no apparent reason, then go back playing more video games.

Their Baby Boomer parents… I mean SAPS…seem to be a-o-k with Trevor’s and Sage’s life choices. “Hey”, they’ll say, “the job market is tough and they’ve got a lot of student debt to pay off. I don’t see why it’s wrong to support them.”

I understand the reasoning, apart from the fact that over 270,000 jobs were created in October. These mothers and dads are TERRIFIED of the empty nest. The thought of no kids in the house makes these married couples shake like fault lines in Oklahoma (the #1 place in the world for earthquakes now – yay fracking!)

Before these people were moms and dads, they were wives and husbands. Along the circuitous path of childrearing, a path filled with “trophies for everybody,” play dates, dance and gymnastic lessons and 200 billion soccer games, these married couples poured most of their energies into their kids. The result? They’ve raised the least energetic generation in human history and they’ve forgotten how to be couples.

Why wouldn’t Caden want to take advantage of this? He understands his newfound power. He knows if he tells his parents, “I’m gonna get an apartment with Cooper and C.J,” his stunned parents will accede to any of his requests: more video games, less yard work and a new paddleboard or skateboard.

You see, Caden and company are “gamers.” If they ever filed a tax return (ha!), under “occupation,” they would write “Gamer.” Lamer is more apropos. When did playing games ever become a career?

Which brings me to this week’s tilt against the Cleveland Browns. The Steelers, following my exact instructions from last week, beat the Oakland Raiders. What they forgot to do was keeping Ben Roethlisberger healthy. He has a very sore foot now and probably won’t play. Well, say hello to the bye! He’ll be back in week 12.

Gamers. Oh, these Steelers are the real gamers. And they’ll be going with rookie QB Landry Jones, a Millennial who actually has a clue. And a job. Thank Shiva and Buddha that the opponent will be the Browns!

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” If DeAngelo Williams’ nickname was Marcia (and I wish it was), we will be hearing a lot of “Yay Marcias” on Sunday. The Browns have one of the worst run defenses in the league and Marcia will have a very strong game.

The Brown vs. the Browns is a matchup most fantasy leaguers would love. The Brown here is Antonio Brown, he of the 274 catches last week… or something like that. With the Browns putting eight in the box to stop Marcia, Landry Jones should find an open Brown at least 106 times… or something like that. To make it worse (or better for Steelers fans) Browns’ star CB Joe Haden is concussed out of the game.

Heath Miller will once again catch 5 passes for 43 yards.

Jones will play within himself and won’t have to throw more than 25 times. Ground and pound will be the theme on Sunday… which is almost as good as The Brady Bunch Theme.

 WHEN THE BROWNS HAVE THE BALL

Actually, they may never have the ball in this game. With the Steelers eating up the clock on the field and Johnny Manziel drinking up the Gatorade & Vodka on the sidelines, the Browns will be lucky to have the ball for more than 3:44. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just chugged four Gatorade & Vodkas in the last half hour.

By the way, you don’t order the drink that way. In the bars, it’s called a “Russian For No Yardage.”

And that reminds me of the Browns’ running attack. Their leading rusher Isaiah Crowell, who averages a little more than three yards per carry, isn’t going to have a breakout game this week. It’s more likely your Millennial son will find a job.

So the Browns are going to have to throw a lot. It looks like Josh McCown will get the start despite injury concerns. McCown is no slouch, but he’s no Otto Graham (a tip of the hat there to the Internets). Their receiving corps is solid…and… wait, whom am I kidding? They’re average at best, which is more than I can say about the rest of that pathetic team.

Let’s put it this way: If I was 30 years younger and could run more than my current 9:51 40-yard dash, I could make this team. Or maybe I’d just be staying at home with my parents and playing Pong.

 PERILOUS PREDICTION

Keep moving… nothing perilous here. The Steelers need this win to stay in the Playoff Hunt. The Browns need this loss to stay in the #1 Draft Pick Hunt. Both teams will get what they want.

Sad to say, Ringo Starr is wrong here. It WILL come easy.

Final Score: Steelers 27, Browns 13.

Phil Lebovits, SCB Blogger, playing Command & Conquer in a van by the river

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