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Steelers vs. Seahawks

2015 NFL Week 12:

Black and Blue Sunday

It’s Black Friday today, perhaps the most religious holiday on Americans’ calendars. Christmas, Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan can’t even compete. Tens of millions of Americans have shaken off the effects of turkey and stuffing comas and are now flocking to Our Lady of Perpetual Walmart and Temple Beth Bloomingdale’s to worship at the alter of rampant capitalism. They’ve brought with them burnt offerings of Visa, MasterCard and Discover, and enough cash to satisfy the gods of Greater Greed.

It truly is heartwarming to see these religious zealots trample over each other in pursuit of 35%-off and red tags sales, like mad Muslims in Mecca. Today, they’ve opted for the sacred over the profane and are keeping the day holy, as in “Holy crap! That 42” Samsung HD Flat Screen TV is $249!” You can hear their screams and chants throughout the aisles, their plaintive prayers immediately answered by a horde of bishops and prelates in the guise of stony-eyed salespeople and cashiers. Their reverence is real and profound.

Unlike religious holidays that ask its worshippers to sacrifice or to fast or to do good deeds, Black Friday only asks its supplicants for money. It does not discriminate or make judgments about other peoples’ faiths, sexual orientation, wealth or political affiliation. It welcomes everybody and rejects none. Christianity proselytizes; Black Friday merely advertises.

It is a uniquely American holiday. Forget about opening your hearts, just open your wallets. “Do unto Macy’s as you would do unto Nordstrom.” God bless.

Black Sunday melds perfectly into Black and Blue Sunday as the playoff-bound (?) Steelers fly into Seattle to take on Pete Carroll’s Seahawks. It promises to be an epic battle and will be as tough as getting that last 500 gigabyte X-Box 360 that’s on sale at Best Buy while being tackled and punched by some 121-lb. housewife name Irma.

Win this game and the Steelers are sitting in the catbird seat; lose this game, and the Steelers are merely one of many clawing cats.

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

Goodbye to the bye! The well-rested and pretty darn healthy Steelers are in the best position possible to squeeze out a win. Big Ben’s injured foot has gone from black and blue to a faded mauve and taupe, so he should be at the top of his game and be able to elude those nasty linebacker blitzes the Hawks like to dial up.

Ben, Part Two, coupled with the other-worldly Antonio Brown, the remarkable Martavis Bryant and DeAngelo “Marcia” Williams, the best substitution since coleslaw on the side, will put up points against one of the best defenses in the NFL. And Heath Miller will catch his contractually obligated 4 passes for 38 yards. But will it be enough?

WHEN THE SEAHAWKS HAVE THE BALL

“Hoorah! Hooray! Beast Mode’s gone away!” Yes, Marshawn “Also Marcia” Lynch, he of the hernia surgery, will not be a participant.

“Oh no! Oy vey! Thomas Rawls is gonna play!” Yes, backup Thomas “Lou” Rawls is coming off a career game against the 49ers (255 total frigging yards!) and will be playing. This will put a lot of pressure on a Steelers linebacking corps that MAY be missing Ryan Shazier.

And even if they can limit Rawls to under 100 yards, they still have to contend with Russell “Not a Deflated” Wilson, a man more elusive than Ben Carson at a “Let’s Talk Science!” conference.

Between Wilson, Rawls and their no-name but sneakily effective receiving corps, the Steelers D will be running all day…  like today’s Black Friday congregation.

PERILOUS PREDICTION

Every fiber in my body (and a few I borrowed) is hoping for a Steelers victory. But West Coast jet lag combined with the deafening decibels at CenturyLink field and an ascendant Seahawks team may be too much for the Steelers to overcome.

But it’s not all bad. I just heard the new Nike Air Jordan Retro 8’s are on sale at Foot Locker! Hurry!

 

Final Score: Seahawks 24, Steelers 21.

Phil Lebovitz, SCB Steeler Blogger, waiting in line at Wal-Mart with a new flat screen TV

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