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Screen Shot 2015-12-18 at 8.15.30 AMBroncos vs. Steelers

2015 NFL Week 15:

Os (weiler), The Not Great and Not Powerful

I’m a writer and when I’m not working at my office (Starbucks), I work here at home. It gets a little lonely at times despite the company of three dogs and four cats, one of which is an abandoned boy who shows up every day to be fed and petted. His name is Steve Underhouse, because he lives under a house across the street.

While many of you get a chance to enjoy Christmas and Kwanzaa parties at work, mingling with coworkers you’ve seen all day (“Hey Bob, man I haven’t seen you since 4:30!), I am bereft of workplace companionship.

My girlfriend Maggie who works at USC (“Fight on!”) had her Christmas party last week, an event that evokes in her a sense of nausea and an existential feeling of “why the f**k do I have to be here?” Because of her boss’s idiocy, she and her coworkers aren’t allowed to bring their wives or significant others to the soiree. That’s why the party sucks every year. BORING! If I could attend, I would definitely inject some liveliness into the affair, perhaps get wasted and vomit all over her boss’s shoes.

So I’ve decided to throw myself a party tomorrow.

The invitation list is small, and I count myself as the only Homo Sapiens on it. Because all of my guests eat differently than me, I’ve decided it should be “BYOB” — Bring Your Own Bowl. It should be noted that none of my guests have responded to my Evite, but since six of the seven are here under the same roof all day with me, invitations are merely a formality.

I’m struggling with what I should serve my guests tomorrow. While Mishka, Barney and Lucy (the dogs) will probably eat whatever I’m eating, the cats (Smokey, Daisy and Weasley) tend to me more selective. I suppose a nice tuna/mackerel appetizer is in order; the dogs and I will start with chicken wings. Steve Underhouse will get his own appy – “Mariner’s Catch” on a cracker.

I would like to set things up on our dining room table, but since we discourage our pets from hopping up on it while Maggie and I are eating, I would be sending a mixed message. So, the floor it will be. I’ll sit down amongst my co-barkers and co-meowers and hopefully Smokey, the oldest of the lot at 15, won’t barf. He’s like a kitty Caligula and knows not when to stop eating.

I’ll try to get the conversation going by saying stuff like, “So Daisy, how do you like the new litter we’re using? Thanks for the suggestion. ”Or, “Barney, I heard you’re up for a promotion or is that just the normal scuttlebutt in Accounting.” Ya know, office chatter.

I bought gifts for everyone. It was pretty easy just to go to Amazon.com and type in, “Things that dogs like to chew on” and “Toys that your cat will be interested in for more than one minute.” I don’t expect a gift since none of my guests ever carry cash. I think Weasley might have a credit card, but I have yet to see him use it.

Our dinner will be served al fresco because a few of my guests have a tendency to poop soon after they eat. And Smokey pukes a lot. I’m sure you have coworkers like that. I’m keeping the menu simple, sort of a nouveau spin on American comfort foods: jerky treats, Whisker Lickins, a delicious Friskies Liver and Chicken pate and Mixed Grill, and turkey burgers for the dogs. And for dessert: Ben and Jerry’s “Mint Chocolate Mailman.”

Oh, I almost forgot. We’re gonna have a raffle too!

It’s going to be one heckuva party, but it probably pales against this week’s game between the Broncos and the Steelers. That promises to be twenty times more exciting than playing Trivial Pursuit with Mishka.

All games from this point on are MUST games. I mustn’t tell you that because you already know. Denver still has a chance to finish with the best conference record in the AFC and the Steelers will pretty much lock up a playoff berth with a win.

The Big Mo is with the Steelers right now but Denver is kind of a mystery with that Osweiler kid. I think it’s easier to prepare for Peyton Manning and his gimpy foot because you know his limitations. Osweiler? Your guess is as good as mine.

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

Heave ho! Heave ho! Ben, you just keep heaving that pigskin to Brown, Bryant, Wheaton, Wheaties, Lucky Charms and Count Chocula. The passing game has got to step up because running the ball against the Broncos is more difficult than planning a menu for seven pets.

The Broncos are a bit beat up, but still formidable. They’re ranked #1 on defense for a reason.

WHEN THE BRONCOS HAVE THE BALL

Brock Osweiler may be the greatest Osweiler to ever play the game. He’s certainly the tallest one. And that’s a good thing because he’s easy to find.

The Os is going to find out early that his running game is kaput and he too will be heaving the pigskin, mostly in the direction of All-Pro TRAITOR Emmanuel Sanders, he of this recent quote comparing Big Ben with Manning:

I feel like Peyton is a far better leader…I’ve got so much love for Ben (but) at the same time, I’m not going to lie. I’m happy to be part of this organization and happy that Peyton is my quarterback.”

 Oh really? You cannot hurt Big Ben’s feelings then come into his house and MAKE APPLE CINNAMON PANCAKES, MR. SANDERS! YOU CANNOT BUTTER THE WAFFLES!

Man, I’m riled up! Hope I can calm down before my Christmas party.

PERILOUS PREDICTION

Your humble prognosticator is on a roll. At least four correct predictions in a row! I never knew throwing the I Ching could be so effective.

I’m going with the Heinz Heroes in a very exciting game.

Final Score: Steelers 24, Broncos 19.

Phil Lebovits, SCB Steeler Blogger, waiting in line at Starbucks in LA

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