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Jets vs. Steelers — 2016 NFL Week #5

The Wreck of the Ryan Fitzpatrick

 The legend lives on of the six picks thrown down
By Fitzpatrick to Cardinal defenders

The next week was bleak, and his three picks were weak
And the sad Jets were called poor pretenders

 Lots of big winds rattling the country this week with Hurricane Matthew leading the charge across Florida, aptly called “a swing state” by the political cognoscenti (look it up!). Lots of palm trees and roofs and eaves are swinging all over the place. Top that off with the second of three Presidential debates, the VP debate a few nights ago and the winds creating by fast-ballers Madison Bumgarner and Noah Syndergaard, and you’ve got yourself one perfect storm.

The winds of change can be felt as summer ends and cooler winds blow across the East. This was always my favorite time of the year: the smell of fallen leaves, the crisp sweet-scented air and the taste of Vermont maple syrup tapped fresh from Bernie Sanders’ old knees.

Seasons become reasons; for farmers, the shorter days mean fewer hours in the field; for college students, it means the approach of midterms and the yearly cleaning of the bongs; and for police officers, a greater assortment of pumpkin-flavored doughnuts.

But perhaps autumn was truly made for another reason: professional football. This is the time of year when teams can more easily assess where they’re at after a grueling September. It’s October after all, the tenth month of the year, even though Octo means “eight” in Latin. But despite this incongruity (look it up!), teams are now at full-strength as suspended players once again suit up and wait for the next off-season to smoke more pot and get suspended again. Tradition is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

Of course, Halloween does take precedence for a day or two. The sight of small children in their requisite ghost and witch costumes takes me back to a time when I could walk freely from house to house to house, garnering a cornucopia of candy corn, Snickers, and apples.

How I yearn for those days when I could still eat mouthfuls of candy and not worry about my Type 2 diabetes!

Back to football.

The “smart money” (that would be money you never pay taxes on), says the Steelers will romp this Sunday. And there could be much room to romp (romper room?) if the Jets defense can’t get off the field. And it’s a home game. And the Jets are starting Ryan Fitzpatrick again.

With a one and three record, the Jets were a mess

And that Ryan Fitzpatrick looked iffy

Some called for his head, “Let’s play Geno instead!”

But that Smith guy gave no one a stiffy

 WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

 Last Sunday, the Steelers offense looked unstoppable piling up 436 yards. Le’Veon Bell shot out of the suspension gate like a bat outta hell and gave the Steelers that homerun threat again. The passing game was fantastic, almost as great as Antonio Brown’s touchdown dance.

Defensively, the Jets are no pushovers, but despite their formidable front four, their secondary is so-so. So look for Ben and Company to light it up through the air against a Jet defense that gave up over 300 yards to a not-quite-100% Russell Wilson.

And now that AB is $24,000 lighter, he may be even faster than usual, almost as fast as Sammie “Bam Bam Bammie” Coates, Big Ben’s second favorite target.

WHEN THE JETS HAVE THE BALL

 Take away those nine interceptions that Wreckspatrick has thrown in the past two weeks and the Jets look like a playoff team. But denial and hallucinogens can only get you so far. This game could either be Fitzpatrick’s Waterloo or his Gettysburg. “For scores and seven points ago…”

Wreckspatrick does have a coterie of good receivers, Matt Forte out of the backfield and a fine offensive line to protect him, so the Steelers need to up the pressure. Should the Jets fall behind by two TDs or more, they’ll be even more reliant on the aptly named “Amish Rifle;” aptly named because the Amish are plain and have no zippers. I learned that from the movie “Witness.”

PERILOUS PREDICTION 

Magic 8-Ball redeemed his lovely plastic self last week, but he was a bit conservative with his prediction. But what about this week? Shaking Magic 8-Ball as if he was in the path of Hurricane Matthew. “Oh Magic 8-Ball, what say you about this Sunday’s battle? Will the Steelers prevail? “

Wait! Magic 8-Ball shall now sing his answer! Here it is: “Todd Bowles wired in he had Smith coming in After Fitz threw a pick for a hat-trick By the end of the game, the result was the same One more loss for Ryan Fitzpatrick!” 

FINAL SCORE: Steelers 31, Jets 17 

Phil Lebovitz, SCB Steeler Blogger, at the bottom of Lake Superior

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