Steelers vs. Dolphins

2016 NFL Week #6

Surfing to the Playoffs

 The Steelers are riding on an epic and hanging ten on a barrel. I have no idea what I just wrote, but then again I don’t know much about surfing. I’m a real “Barney” when it comes to that aquatic pursuit. Growing up, I never had the chance to surf the waters of Lake Erie, and why the heck would I want to?

Back in the day, Lake Erie was considered “dead,” inundated with sewage from Buffalo, Cleveland and other cities bereft of good reviews. I remember as a kid walking along the beach in Canada, Crystal Beach to be precise. There was an endless supply of dead fish as far as the eye could see. I was pretty young then so I was not aware of the environmental disaster looming near my sandcastle. And I was distracted by the sand in my French fries.

Years later, Richard Nixon gave birth to the EPA and things began to change. By the 1980’s, Lake Erie was proclaimed “undead,” so much so that commercial fishing was once again allowed. True, the fish all had three eyes and furry fins, but yeah, I guess you could eat them with some lemon and disinfectant.

Of course, this was a simpler time, a time for simpletons. Al Gore had not been invented yet and the earth seemed to be a-o-k with plastic and coal emissions and smokestacks spewing crap into the troposphere. Maybe the planet was tougher then and could easily shrug off these unwanted assaults.

Seems like today, the Earth has become a “wuse”, unable to defend herself, and groping for help by entities like Greenpeace and the Sierra Club. Sure, there’s an island of plastic the size of Texas floating in the Pacific, but geez, what can we do about that? We only throw away 3000 plastic water bottles per second! And we can get away with it because, when it comes to the animal kingdom, we are celebrities. And celebrities can do anything they want to do. I heard about that somewhere.

 Now back to surfing and fish. Our 4-1 Steelers travel to surf-friendly Miami this Sunday to face the 1-4 Dolphins. Opposites attract. While the men in gold and black are riding a wave of excellence, those poor Dolphins are just asking to be squished. As they say in Buffalo, “Squish the fish!” Or as my grandmother used to say, “Have a knish!” (We all know that dolphins are mammals, but have you ever tried to rhyme ‘dolphin?’)

No matter, the Steelers are primed to continue their winning ways. And that’s rad, dude!


Ben and the Boys could have a field day on the field this Sunday. Miami’s defense, unled by that N. Suh guy and Mario (not Super anymore) Williams, have been giving up more real estate than Florida did during the recession of 2008; 401 yards per game to be exact. Le’Veon Bell should excel once again and Ben to Antonio Brown should become even more dangerous and inevitable if Sammie Coates can’t suit up because of an owie to his finger.

The only thing that could slow down the Steelers are lightning bolts raining from the skies. The Miami weather forecast looks more ominous than Kiko Alonso.


Looking at the Dolphin’s offense, one has to wonder, like we all did after the Iraq invasion, “Where are the weapons?” The anemic fish/mammals are ranked 31st in rushing. Yes, gimpy Arian Foster may return to the lineup, but he’s not the same running back he was in Houston. The Steelers, ranked 6th against the run, should have little trouble limiting him or any other back in that depleted arsenal.

That leaves the Dolphins relying once again, on the loose cannon that is Ryan Tannehill, he of the 7 interceptions and 6 TD passes. Tannehill has a tough hill to climb even against a yet-to-be-stellar Steelers defense. Not that he doesn’t have some pretty good receivers to toss to like Jarvis Landry. But he’ll be bereft of TE Jordan Cameron who remains concussed and that will only make his task even more difficult, more difficult than surfing in Nebraska.


Magic 8-Ball is on a roll now which is pretty easy for a round object. He seems confident about this week’s pick. (Vigorously shaking Magic 8-Ball as if I was mixing a martini for James Bond.) “Oh Magic 8-Ball, will our heroes defeat these zeros?” Magic 8-Ball says, “Yah dude, it’ll be like riding a phat tube!” 

FINAL SCORE: Steelers 30, Fish 14.

Phil Lebovits, SCB Steeler Blogger, in a van down by the riverscreen-shot-2016-10-16-at-9-59-01-am