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Cowboys vs. Steelers

2016 NFL Week #10

 

The Zeke and Dak Show.

 

I was right last week when I wrote that all eyes would be on Pennsylvania. And on Tuesday…well, you know what happened. I was stunned, flummoxed, and other synonyms that are less PG-13.

But America woke up on Wednesday and the sky hadn’t fallen and neither did the stock market. My Prozac still was working and actually working better when I gulped it down with a big glass of vodka. Russian vodka. The kind Vlad Putin drinks.

So now that the election is thankfully over, we may now turn our full attention to more important matters such as the Steelers’ current state of the union.

Sitting at 4-4, I’m reminded of the Supreme Court and their own 4-4 situation. It’s not good; worse than Ben’s ouchie knee or Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s torn labrum. Yes, both are healing, but will it be too little too late?

The last few weeks have not been kind to our men in black and gold. But darn it. Black and gold lives matter!

The Steelers are now looking at the playoffs like vegans look at a great cheeseburger: deep down, they really want it, but they know they may not get it. Except the cheese Oh wait, vegans don’t eat cheese. Damn it! I can never be a vegan now.

To compound the misery, “America’s Team” is coming to town. Heck, that ain’t my America. Is there anyone, apart from Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, who is more unwelcome than Jerry Jones?

Okay, maybe Newt Gingrich. Perhaps Chris Christie. Definitely Sarah Palin. But they don’t own football teams. And Mr. Jones has got a good one this year. 7-1 good. Led by a rookie QB. And on Sunday, these Cowboys march into Heinz Field with their 10-gallon football helmets and Texas swagger. Oh, the humanity!

Can you imagine if the Steelers lose and go 4-5? We’d be in uncharted waters, adrift in a sea of mediocrity. Would the good people of Pittsburgh take to the streets to express their displeasure?

Would drunken rampaging Yinzers start throwing good Primanti Brothers sandwiches at passing bystanders? It could be chaos!

Stay strong, Pittsburgh. Steel is tougher than cows. And boys. It was Pittsburgh steel that built this country – our roads, our bridges, and one-fourth of Trump hotels. And dammit! We deserve to win this Sunday, much like Pillary Trinton should’ve won Pennsylvania.

But I digress…

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

One good thing came out of last week’s loss to the Ravens: Big Ben did not re-injure his meniscus. In fact, having another week to heal will do wonders for his mobility. So I expect a better Ben this Sunday, one who’ll have a better Sammie Coates to throw to. While Dallas has been pretty good against the run, they are middling when it comes to pass defense. And they’ll be missing secondary stalwarts like Morris Claiborne and Barry Church. Ben and company need to exploit that weakness.

Speaking of the run, DeAngelo Williams will be sidelined for this game and a few more after undergoing knee surgery. I think meniscus injuries are all the rage right now. I was thinking of getting one myself.

This game will be all about time of possession and the Steelers will need long sustained drives, much like the very long sustained drives here in L.A.

Because if don’t hold onto the ball, then guess who’s gonna get it…

 

WHEN THE COWBOYS HAVE THE BALL

 …EZEKIEL “ALL WORLD AND PARTS OF MARS” ELLIOTT! That’s who. The rookie back out of Ohio State is having an All-Pro year and is only 109 yards away from 1000 yards! The Steelers will have their hands full trying to stop this tank. A howitzer could help, but that’s an automatic 15-yard penalty.

If the Steelers can somehow limit E-Z’s damage, they are then faced with another rookie playing lights out: QB Dak Prescott. He’s been so good that returning Jeopardy champion Tony Romo has become an afterthought and may never start a game again. Dak has the 2nd highest QBR in the league and if I knew what ‘QBR’ meant, I’d be even more impressed.

And Dak has the luxury of passing to a fine array of receivers: Cole Beasley, Dez Bryant and Jason “Mighty Methuselah” Witten. The Steelers desperately need to amp up that pass rush or it will be a very long day, like 27 hours.

PERILOUS PREDICTION

Magic 8-Ball has had a very tough week. Not only was he wrong about the Ravens game, he was also wrong about the presidential election. He’s rolled himself into a tighter ball and is rethinking his career path. In fact, he pleaded with me not to shake him like a mofo or ask him for a prediction. And I respect that.

 Shaking Magic 8-Ball like a mofo…

“Oh Magic 8-ball, can the Steelers find a way to beat those young and talented Cowboys?”

Magic 8-Ball says, “Go away. I’m not in the mood!”

So, okay then. Let him be like that, all mopey and depressed. I’ll take the reins and give you MY prediction. Fingers crossed, facing Heinz Field, n’at.

FINAL SCORE: Steelers 28. Cowboys 27.

Phil Lebovits, SCB Steeler Blogger, in a van stuck in a protest rally down by the river

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