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Brown and Beckham. Attorneys at Law.

When I’m not writing this blog for Steel City Buzz, I spend some of my time working on sitcoms.

In fact, I just walked out of a meeting at Telepictures helping a buddy of mine pitch his comedy series.

During the meeting, my contact there – VP type lady – mentioned that a very well-known ex-football player is actively looking for a sitcom and he has an idea. The implication was if you write it, he may come. So I might. Of course, that will mean an in-person lunch with said ex-footballer, most likely a lunch with a lot of meat.

Now I’m no vegan or pescetarian (is that someone who eats with Joe Pesce?) I’m not even a Sagittarian. But I don’t eat a lot of red meat. But I may have to. A healthy kale and quinoa salad would label me a “sissy,” and I’m certain this large man would eye me suspiciously. Or punch me the face until I’m dead.

A dead writer does nobody any good. Nor do the writers on “Broke Girls.” But a good writer could take this old NFLer’s idea and turn it into something sellable. And I’m all about Tubmans.

Of course, this begs the question: “Are there any young NFL superstars who want their own sitcom?” Young and hot sells much more easily. Then I got to thinking about this week’s game against the Giants and the much-hyped matchup between Antonio Brown and Odell Beckham Jr.

Hmmm… I wonder if I could pitch them my idea. I italicized that last sentence because I want to share with you the things inside my head. What if these two great receivers had side jobs as… ATTORNEYS AT LAW!

By day, they’re speedy and dynamic; but at night, they tackle the cases no other lawyers will take on…

FADE IN:

 INT. LAW OFFICE. BROWN & BECKHAM  – NIGHT

 ANTONIO, 28, NFL athlete, sits at his desk rummaging through some papers. His law partner ODELL, 24, NFL athlete, sits at his desk looking at his computer.

                                                ODELL

            You in the mood for Thai? I’m a Thai guy tonight.

                                                ANTONIO

            We had Thai last night—no, the past two nights. Try something else.

                                                ODELL

            How about Asian Fusion? There’s some Thai in that but–

                                                ANTONIO

            Hey, did we file that amicus brief with Judge Clemente?

                                                ODELL

            This place got sushi too. How about two orders of Unagi, two Kajiki–

                                                ANTONIO

            With two sides of Lance Ito.

                                                 ODELL

            What?

                                                 ANTONIO

            Just mess’en with you. By the way, how’s that thumb of yours?

                                                 ODELL

            Better. But you keep Shazier off me, okay?

                                                 ANTONIO

            Okay. Same goes with Landon Collins.

                                                ODELL

            Excuse me. NFC Defensive Player of the Month Landon Collins!

(pause)

You sure you don’t want Thai?

 And then, hilarity ensues.

But I digress…

The Steelers come into this home game with some wind at their backs after beating up the Bungles last week. All games are must wins at this point, but the Steelers path to the playoffs would be infinitely easier if they can get past the surprisingly good Giants. And if Antonio Brown sticks to football, not sitcoms.

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE THE BALL

Ben and the Boys are pretty darn healthy heading into this game. Ben’s meniscus is healed and he’s moving in the pocket like the Roethlisberger we know and love.

The Giant’s 16-ranked defense is good against the rush and not so good against the pass. Antonio and Friends should have a field day at Heinz field.

WHEN THE GIANTS HAVE THE BALL

Even if you could watch this game in 3-D, you’d still notice how one dimensional the Giant’s offense is. They don’t have a premier back to frighten defenses so look for the Steelers to play a lot of 4-2-5. I hope that adds up to 11.

Interesting fact: The Giants are scoring touchdowns on 60.7 percent of their red zone opportunities, 13th in the league. But they’re ranked 29th in the league in terms of how often they reach the red zone, getting there only 2.5 times per game. Yikes!

 PERILOUS PREDICTION

The Steelers are 7-point favorites in this game even though the Giants are on a 6-game winning streak. I brought this to the attention of Magic 8-Ball and he told me he could care less. In truth, Magic 8-Ball is pretty full of himself (and some mysterious blue liquid) these days. He’s certain he’ll be infallible as well as inflammable (like the Pope) for the rest of the season.

Most of the time, I can’t even get a meeting with him anymore. He has “people” now who screen his calls: G.I. Joe, Barbie, Mrs. Potato Head and Chris Christie. It’s annoying.

He won’t even let me shake him like a mofo.

But at least I got this text from him today:

Steelers looking good. Gonna beat the spread.

I’m now looking for a sitcom deal instead.

 Him and everybody else.

FINAL SCORE: STEELERS 24, GIANTS, 20.

Phil Lebovitz, SCB Steeler Blogger, at a restaurant with a big plate of meat

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