facebooktwittergoogle_plusreddittumblrmail

 

screen-shot-2016-12-17-at-10-50-37-am

It’s Getting to Look a Lot Like Playoffs

It’s almost Chriskwanzukah (diversity, yeah!) and Santa is busy…busy checking his wallet because there’s a new Santa in town. Goes by the name “Amazon.” No reindeer needed. No elves. Just a man named Stan in a van and you with a Prime Membership plan.

“Santazon” can come any time of the day, any day and can deliver the goods 365 days a year. You don’t need to sit on his sweaty, felt-covered lap and beg him for once-a-year Chriskwanzukah gifts. How 2009 of you! No, Santazon can get you what you want when you want it. Even if you don’t need it.

This year, I’ve done all my holiday shopping online. Yes, it’s very convenient and nearly stress- free, apart from the fear of “package pirates” waiting to pounce on our porch after the goods arrive. But that is a minor concern and we have many guns here. But the greatest benefit in using Santazon is that, in this season of “peace on Earth, goodwill towards men,” I will avoid all the good men (and women) on Earth, the mindless hordes who descend upon shopping malls looking for discounts. I can avoid the screaming babies, whining toddlers, bored teenagers and clueless, iPhone-addicted Millennials. ‘Tis the season to be jolly and to be left alone.

It’s unfortunate that the first Chriskwanzukah gift givers, those three Wise Men from the Middle East who had yet to be radicalized because Islam had yet to be invented, missed out on the ease of online shopping. The poor kings, Balthazar, Melchior and Shemp, had to travel great distances on camelback and horseback (but luckily not on Nickelback) to get to Bethlehem to deliver their gifts to Mary and her baby in an area of town you couldn’t even find with Google Maps.

How much easier it would have been to use Santazon to order frankincense, myrrh and boxes of disposable diapers. (https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=myrhh). Yep, you can find all those things on Santazon.

And, because I’m sure Mary was a bit disappointed in the Wise Men’s strange choice of presents (“What is my baby going to do with myrrh?”), she could’ve sent all those gifts back and gotten some things she could really use: a Pendleton blanket, a few binkies and a subscription to Better Mangers and Gardens.

But I digress…

 During this holiday season, a time of peace, love and excessive commercialization, let us not forget the true meaning of Chriskwanzukah: NFL FOOTBALL!

Let’s all sing!

The weather outside is crappy

But Steelers fans are happy

And Cincinnati really blows

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

The 8-5 Steelers are looking for an early Chriskwanzukah gift and they just might get their wish.

WHEN THE STEELERS HAVE BALL

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Le’Veon all the way…. Can this guy be any better? After chewing up gobs of artificial turf last week in Buffalo, and since it will be about 27 degrees at kickoff, the Steelers should run Le’Veon on every play. Let the Bungles play an 11-man front; it won’t matter.

And because it’s a season of giving, give Vontaze Burfict a swift kick in the snowballs.

WHEN THE BENGALS HAVE THE BALL

The Bengals have a formidable offense, led by QB and major elf-impersonator Andy Dalton. Their rushing attack… Eh, who cares? Le’Veon is playing! Le’Veon is playing!

PERILOUS PREDICTION

Guess who’s back in town after his vacation in Cancun? Yep, it’s Magic 8-Ball. He would’ve stayed longer in Mexico but he got wind about how amazing I’ve been predicting games over the past three weeks. He feels threatened and is ready to make a pick this weekend.

Okay, M8B, will the Steelers solidify their playoff position this Sunday with a win?

(shaking Magic 8-Ball like a Santazon mofo)

 Magic 8-Ball says: “Outlook is good. So is free 2-day Prime Delivery with Amazon.”

FINAL SCORE: STEELERS 24, BENGALS 21.

Phil Lebovits, SCB Steeler Blogger, Out by his mailbox looking for a box from Amazon

facebooktwittergoogle_plusreddittumblrmail