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Duck and Cover… the Spread

This is a strange week my friends. I find myself in an old Civil Defense fallout shelter in an undisclosed location surrounded by relics of the Cold War: ration boxes, water barrels, sanitation and medical kits. It’s claustrophobic down here, but I must stay for a very good reason: The Russians are hacking my Steel City Buzz blogs! And they may have been doing it for months.

A friend of mine, Bill Singleton, who asked me not to reveal his name or his occupation, works for the CIA. Two weeks ago, Bill came across an article in the Sports Section of the popular Russian newspaper Izvestia that appears to be very very similar to a first draft of a game preview I wrote (and then deleted) over a month ago. I was stunned and oddly flattered. But why would the Russians waste their time on me? Why would I be hacked?

 So, I did some research. Turns out Izvestia is owned by one Vladimir Potanin who has close ties to that other Vladimir. And, the writer of the hacked article Alexei Kaputin, was once a mid-level envoy at the Russian Embassy in Washington, D.C. and a big Miami Dolphins fan. Heaven knows why.

I dug into my deleted files and found a first draft of my first Steelers-Browns preview. The first paragraph read:

I’m not usually a suspicious guy and I don’t believe in curses– the Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and the Curse of Every Adam Sandler Movie Since 2003. All nonsense… except for the Adam Sandler one.

Kaputin, who was writing a preview of a match between the two Moscow soccer clubs Spartak Moscow and Dynamo Moscow, began his article like this:

Обычно я не подозрительный парень, и я не верю в Проклятие curses– Bambino, Проклятие Козла, и проклятие Каждый Адам Сэндлер кино с 2003 года все ерунда … за исключением Адама Сэндлера один.

As you can clearly see, they’re almost identical. I thought to myself in italics: Hmm, I wonder if I can sue for plagiarism? And would a lawsuit add fuel to the fire of the souring relationship between the U.S. and Russia?

 Just last week, President Obama, convinced that the Russians hacked the presidential election between Hillary Clinton and Дональд Трамп, ordered 35 Russian diplomats to leave the U.S. in 72 hours. That’s equal to .486 diplomats/hour.

Donald Trump immediately called the President and asked if he (Дональд Трамп ) had to leave too.

If you know anything about me then you know I’m pretty darn fearless. I’m afraid of only a few things: deep water, black widow spiders and the song “Wildfire.” This fallout shelter ordeal has nothing to do with fear or cowardice; it has everything to do with journalistic integrity. I take pride in my blogs here and, come hell or high water (I’m afraid of those too), I will not let my fellow Buzzers be subjected to hacking, unless that hacking is due to post-nasal drip, emphysema or sitting too long in the cold at Heinz Field.

Speaking of which, there’s a big playoff game happening this Sunday between the Dolphins and the Steelers.

On paper, this looks like a certain Steelers win. Ben, Brown and Bell are very well rested and should pile up substantial yardage against a porous Dolphin’s defense. Add in Miami’s backup QB Matt Moore (replacing injured Ryan Tannehill) and this has the looks of a cakewalk, or a Stevia-walk if you have Type 2 diabetes.

На бумаге это выглядит как определенный выигрыш Steelers. Бен, Браун и Белл очень хорошо отдохнули и должны накапливаться значительный метраж против обороны пористого Дельфина. Добавить в резервной QB Майами Мэтт Мур (заменяющий травмирован Райан Таннехилл), и это имеет внешний вид легкой прогулкой, или стевии прогулка, если у вас есть сахарный диабет 2 типа.

Holy crap! I’ve been hacked again!

 I better wrap this up before these Russkis hack into my “special” file of barely-clad NFL cheerleaders.

PERILOUS PREDICTION

 FINAL SCORE: STEELERS 31, DOLPHINS 16.

 Счет: Steelers 31, Dolphins 16.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Comrade Phil Libovtz, SCB Steeler Blogger, in a bunker down by the river

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